My Immortal Commentary
by TheHunter747
Summary: Why did I do this? Because I enjoy torturing myself, I think. Join me, as I mock, bash, and tear apart Tara Gilesbie's 'My Immortal'. Remember: we're the only commentary that gives you a free industrial size bottle of brain bleach on your first visit. And trust me, you're going to need every last drop.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Well, everyone else has done one, so now it's my turn. I am going to comment on the infamous- in the worst possible ways- My Immortal! Yes, I know, my sanity- what precious little of it there was- is going to be shattered irreparably by the end of this. But I shall prevail! All 44 chapters, including the hacked chapter, shall be done. Also, I now have a twitter account, under the same name as my account here. Follow me if you want to know what I'm working on, get sneak previews off upcoming work, or even suggest ideas for me to write about. Seriously, please give me ideas. I'm hitting writer's block something awful, and need help. Anyway, time to begin. *shudders*

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or any other character associated with the series. I also do not own this...abomination, for which I am eternally grateful.

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AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)**(You're...goffik? What? Do you mean 'gothic'?)** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **(And please tell me what exactly is wrong with being a lesbian?) **raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.**(If you exist, raven, I am coming to kill you, slowly and painfully, for even trying to encourage this...this...abomination! There's no other word for it.)** U rok!**(Firstly, that should be 'You rock!' Secondly, no. Neither of you rocks. I would like to drop a mountain's worth of rocks on you, but that's beside the point.)** Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2!**('deprzzing'? I'll assume she means depressing, but really, this is the only time-as far as I'm aware- that she references this guy, despite her 'luv' for him.)** MCR ROX!**(Random unrelated bullshit rocks!)**

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way**(What the hell? You're parents were actually cruel enough to call their child that? Wow. Just...wow.)** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)**(1. 'Ebony' and 'black' are two different shades of the same colour. Unless you have hair like Kai Hiwatari(Beyblade character), you can't have both. Pick one! 2. How did your parents know you were going to have ebony coloured hair when you were born. I'll admit I don't remember much about being born, but I'm pretty sure we're bald when we pop out.)** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears**('Limpid'. Give me a minute, will ya? Here we are; limpid: (adjective) 1.(of a liquid) free of anything that darkens, completely clear. 2.(of a person's eyes) unclouded, clear. Huh. Technically it's used correctly, but I doubt that was intentional. Oh well, it's still a stupid sentence.)** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).**(Darling, I really wish I could. I mean that.)** I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.**(I know it's been said, but I've gotta point it out. Being a lesbian is wrong, but incest is morally acceptable? Must live in Alabama.)** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).**(Most people who have read the books know this from canon. Surprisingly, this is actually canon. Also, you can spell Hogwarts correctly, but you can't spell 'rock'? Truly, this is a logicless universe.)** I'm a goth**(REALLY? Well, my dear, you certainly could have fooled me.)** (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example**(Never say 'for example' in a story. Ever. Just don't.)** today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.**(And on this day, not a single fuck was given.)** I was walking outside Hogwarts.**(This was important enough to warrant a sentence of it's own. How? Please, someone enlighten me. Yes, setting is important, but still. This tells me nothing. How about this instead; I was walking along the shore of the lake, watching the raindrops fall and cause ripples to spread outwards, as the giant squid lazily waved one of it's tentacles in the air, seeming almost to be greeting me. That one sentence is much better. It gives the reader several things. One, it tells us that you were outside of Hogwarts, without explicitly stating it. Two, it gives the reader a much better sense of being involved in the story, or at least makes it seem a little more believable. Three, it tells us about the weather, eliminating the need for your next sentence.)** It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.**(Several things wrong with this. First of all, snow is frozen rainwater. Hence, even in the wizarding world, I'm fairly certain the two cannot fall at the same time. Second, just because it is snowing, OR raining, doesn't meant the sun can't be seen. I'll admit that if it is raining heavily, and there are lots of dark clouds in the sky, then yes, the sun would probably be a lot less visible. Probably the same with snow. But for the most part, when it is raining/snowing, the sun can still be seen. Third, the sentence in my last comment would have eliminated the need for this sentence entirely. Hell, if you don't like the sun, here's another it to the beginning of the last one; I stepped out of the castle, and began to descend the steps, enjoying the feeling of the raindrops hitting my skin as they fell. It had started raining earlier that day, and had steadily gotten heavier as the day went by. The clouds in the sky had steadily darkened as the day dragged on, eventually hiding the sun from sight. I was glad for this, as, being a vampire, I was weakened by the sun. There. Gives a lot more detail. To link it to the other sentence, all you would have to do is say 'By this point...' and continue on. I swear, I should rewrite this bullshit myself, but translating it all would break my already fragile mind, I'm sure. It also tells the reader why you don't like the sun, and removes any other need to tell us you are a vampire. Now shut up. Those sentences took me ten seconds to think up. You took at least a day per chapter, if not more.)** A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.**( Again, WHY? They stared at you, so you are rude to them? That's pretty horrible of you.)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!**(Why the sudden pause?**** What purpose did it serve? Huh? It didn't serve any purpose? You're sure? So she's just an idiot? Oh okay. Satan just let me know that they've had to expand Hell itself, just to give the bitch who wrote this bullshit, Tara Gilesbie, her own personal circle. She shall spend eternity surrounded by preps and posers shouting insults at her.)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.**(What. WHAT?! Two things. One. Draco called her over. He obviously had something to say to her. Two. Draconis Lucius Malfoy**** is not shy. He is aristocratic to the point of being a complete ponce, a total bully to those he thinks are beneath him, easily influenced by the views and approval of his father, not that he realizes this, and despite the vitriolic exterior, he is quintessentially a fallen hero, someone who, if not so easily led, could very easily have become a driving force for the good of the wizarding**** world. But he is NOT shy! You bitch! Satan can have what's left of your bloody, mangled corpse! But I call dibs!)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**(No comment. The sheer retardedness is impossible to comment on beyond this.)**

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!**(You. You...something or other. This is not good. This is the epitomy of evil, the be all and end all of bad fanfiction. No one could write a worse fanfiction than this. No one. Satan himself couldn't match the sheer, raw badness that is this vitriolic piece of monkey scrotum that you call a 'fanfiction'. No TRUE fan would ever try and horribly butcher the characters this much. And we've only met one of them! I swear, if you butcher every other character, I shall hunt you down and kill you. Slowly. I'm thinking dipping you feet first into a vat of acid, but cauterising the wounds every few seconds, so you can't bleed to death before the fun is done.)**

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A/N: Well, there you go. Please review if this made you laugh, or if there was something you think I missed. Or, alternatively, if you think Tara is your goddess, and she can do no wrong? BRING IT ON! I have my Flame-Freezing Charm at the ready-although I don't think I'll actually have to use it, somehow. Next up? Meet the other characters. Oh Goddess, have mercy on me.*shudders*


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Firstly, to my ONLY reviewer- what is normal, exactly? Humans, by the laws of nature, are unique beings. Certainly, one can categorize, to an extent, but to simply say that heterosexual people are the only normal people is not only blatantly homophobic, but narrow-minded and offensive, too. And if you don't like the fiction, don't blame me, I wasn't the one who wrote the original. If it's the commentary you don't like, explain what is wrong, and if you feel generous, give a suggestion as to how I can improve it. Don't just say 'ps, i dont like the story'. That tells me nothing, and merely confuses me. Disclaimer is as standard, I don't own anything, and I certainly don't want to own 'My Immortal'. Enjoy the second chapter!

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AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!**(Well, this is already shaping up to be another pile of hot, fresh, steaming monkey feces.)** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!**(Never! We will flame your story till we are old and grey! And then flame some more!)**

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom.**(As opposed to waking up in the bathtub, where Ke$ha usually spends the night.)** It was snowing and raining again.**(Once again, I shall point this out. Snow is frozen rain. Of course, if there is a spell that allows such a thing to be possible, I want to see it. Snow and rain at the same time sounds cool.)** I opened the door of my coffin**(I'm no psychiatrist, but that scream's 'mental issues' right there. Also, when did Hogwarts get rid of the four poster beds? Or did she bring this coffin with her? Or does her house all sleep in coffins to save space? I'm so confused! And one more thing. How did you know what the weather was if you hadn't even opened the LID of your coffin?)** and drank some blood from a bottle I had.**(What. The. Monkey scrotum?! You just happened to have a bottle of BLOOD lying around? I know you're a vampire, but I didn't think blood was that easy to store.)** My coffin was black ebony**(Again. Black and ebony are two shades of the same colour. Unless you mean that the coffin was made of ebony wood. But even then, the tree was named for the colour of it's bark. In other words, your statement is redundant.)** and inside it was hot pink velvet**(How very 'goffic'.)** with black lace on the ends.**(Black lace? Why? What possible reason could a depressed vampire goth have for frilly, lacey things?)** I got out of my coffin**(Again, mental issues. That's all I'll say.)** and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.**(To be fair, that is actually a fairly normal thing to do.)** Instead, I put on a black leather dress**(Do they actually make those?)**, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.**(So you looked liked a depressed whore?)** I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears**(Fuck a duck! How can you still hear?)**, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**(So...a bun...with strands of hair falling loose? Say that instead. Makes it easier to visualize. Not that anyone wants to visualize you, but still.)**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)**(Don't interrupt the flow of the story for pointless author's notes. And especially not to say things to your friend. Tell her which character represents her outside of the story. If you're such good friends, send her a private message, or better yet, tell her in person.)**woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.**(Two things. First, the obligatory 'How did she grin at you without having opened her eyes to see where you are?' statement. Shall we assume vampires have the ability to see through their eyelids? Makes more sense to me. Second, and I can't believe how few people say this, WHO GIVES A CRAP? Who cares what her hair looks like? Who cares what she looks like? Who cares about this story? Who cares about Tara Gilesbie's well-being in general? Also, waist-length kinda implies that her hair is long. *ring**ring* Hello, Department of Redundancies Department? Yep, we got another one. No, it's Tara Gilesbie. Yeah, she's a bitch, I know. Wait, hold on, there's another one. 'Raven' and 'black' are, like ebony and black, two shades of the same colour.)** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini**(Is this the latest fad at Hogwarts? To wear Muggle vehicles as part of their day to day clothing?**, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots**(Pointy...high-heeled...boots. What, the ever-loving monkey nutsack?! That makes no sense. THIS...MAKES...NO...SENSE!)**. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)**(Oh. My. Sweet, Zombie Jeebus! WHO THE FUCK CARES?!)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**(One. Only retarded two year olds would ever be caught dead saying 'OMFG' in an actual conversation. Secondly, really? She was never mentioned. Unless you count that part where Ebony's 'friends' called her over. And if that is the case, why not employ the subtle art of foreshadowing? Say, 'But then, my friend Willow called out to me, and I went over to talk to her.' Sets up the next chapter, and this conversation, much better, while also introducing another character. A one-dimensional character, to be sure, but a character nonetheless.)**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin**(Ah. I always suspected the Slytherins had been practicing necromancy and Satan worship. Partially explains why she sleeps in a coffin, I suppose.)** common room and into the Great Hall.**(Newsflash, sweetie. The Slytherin common rooms are in the dungeons. They would have had to go up several flights of stairs to get to the Entrance Hall, before stepping from there into the Great Hall.)**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.**(Ah yes, the 'Blush at the mere mention of his/her name, then deny any attraction towards him/her' approach. How many times has that worked for anyone?)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed.**(See? Told ya so, sweetie.)** Just then, Draco walked up to me.**(Say his name, and he appears! Almost like...*turns and faces the reader, before whispering*magic.)**

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.**(Ah yes. Deny any attraction to the guy to your best friend, then flirt with him in front of said best friend. How clever. Also, my spell checker has imformed me that 'flirtily' isn't a real word. Don't make up words, or I'll set the guy who wrote the Oxford English dictionary on you.)**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.**(No, Ebony! You have to guess!)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.**(Oh. I guess she didn't have to guess after all. And why would Draco care about a Muggle band? And why would a Muggle band even know where Hogsmeade is, much less how to advertize said contest in Hogwarts. I remind you, dear reader, that Hogsmeade village is the only wizards-only village in Britain.)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!"**(Well, at least you didn't abbreviate it this time.)** I screamed. I love GC.**(Write out the full title. Otherwise it just looks lazy.)** They are my favorite band, besides MCR.**(So...they're your second favourite band? Couldn't you have said that? Also, who are MCR? I'll assume, since it's the only band I know whose unabbraviated name fits those letters, that you mean My Chemical Romance, but they are technically more into emo music than goth.)**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.**(Um...not to be a total cockblock or anything, but didn't you barely know this girl until yesterday? Also, I'm assuming this is what Draco wanted to say to Ebony in the last chapter, but, not being a Gryffindor, lost his nerve at the last second, and ran off.)**

I gasped.**(Le gasp!)  
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A/N: Well, I have survived another chapter of this atrocity. I figure that's two down, forty-two more to go! Although chapter thirty-nine will pretty much mock itself. So...three down, forty-one more to go! *does a little victory dance* Also, if anyone who reads this can think of any interesting insults, send 'em to me in a review! The best one will get used in the next chapter! This also turns potential flamers into potential helpers! HA! You cannot outsmart me! As a wise man(Me) once said, 'My logic beats your stupidity!' So people who hate the story must now remain silent, or contribute to it's creation! Mwahahahahaha!*forked lightning crashes across the sky* What the hell?! I said I wanted a torture chamber as the backdrop, you imbecilic little house elves! Hm...that's not bad, actually. Might use that. In any case, goodbye. Review, or I'll sic Voldemort on you! *screen fades to black, as the author takes off his shoe and beats tweo house elves over the head with it*


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